I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
