if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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