Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize