i was born a porn star she said
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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