It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
