Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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