Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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