Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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