Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
