Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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