who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
