everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
