I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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