Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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