Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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