Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize