I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
