Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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