I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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