I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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