Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
