oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
