real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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