Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
