i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
