I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
