No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
