My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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