who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
