if only i could text you this smell
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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