i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
