Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
