My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
