Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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