I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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