Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
