Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
