Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
