capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
