She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
