you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
