When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
