allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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