tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
