I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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