i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
