Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize