apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
