Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Sext me about skeletons
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
