Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
