when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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