i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
