i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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