I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
