I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
