dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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