Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
