what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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