Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
