So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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